Blood Tests & Mood Swings

Fellow readers, here is the next chapter of my adventure.
I had to fast last night due to needing a special blood test today.
It was a lot of fun, I had to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and get ready, go to the blood lab. Then there was a line of people so I had to wait, the blood test is a 2 hour glucose test and I can't eat until it's over.
So I wait 40 minutes before it is my turn.
The lab tech guy explains how the test works, they take blood then you drink glucose then for the next two hours they take 2 more samples.
So he sticks my right arm and can't get it to work right, I didn't look to see what was going on because it makes it hurt more.
He searches on my left arm and sticks me, not too bad.
The second blood draw he had to dig around and it hurt. It still hurt for awhile.
Then the third one only hurt a little bit.
I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe because of my large mass of fat that comes along with being depressed and not exercising.
Since leaving my job I've put on weight, I was already too fat before that.
So I come home and eat some unhealthy food, it was good though.
I got more bills in the mail, you know the ones that you can't pay and the interest rates have skyrocketed. I'm thinking of trying to call them and explain how I can't work and see if there's anything they can do.
I know I can't pay anything towards them now, but I'd like to get the interest lowered or something.
Doesn't really matter, I know that my credit is ruined and I can't fix it.
Looks like I wasted the last 7 years building up credit, it's fun to mess up your life.

So, then I call unemployment and get another explanation of how I can't get any money because I can't work. Their suggestion was to apply for financial assistance.
I think financial assistance is something like $180 a month, so of course I jumped up and down thinking how far I can stretch that money especially since I can't get it.

So, then I get upset and panicky, I called my "Mental Health Provider" so I can leave more voicemails about how I need to talk to someone, and get no answers back.
It is funny, my life gets more ridiculous each day.
No friends, no money, can't get therapy or meds forever, can't get unemployment, can't get social security.

It's like this, well you can get $180 a month if you apply for social security and your doctor confirms you can't work. Oh, your lawyer said you should go to your new doctor for awhile to get further documentation because you would get turned down if you apply now, that's ok then we can't give you any money. That's ok, talk to your new doctor, oh you've been waiting over a month to get a new doctor, well it is a lesson in patience for you to wait more.
We can give you food stamps, health insurance (which does crap for me when waiting forever for a therapist). And when you get kicked out of your place, you can live on the streets and still have those great benefits.
Maybe you can trade your food stamps for drugs or something, get raped and beaten for them.

I imagine living on the streets would be a new adventure for me, something I haven't experienced before so maybe it is a life lesson.
I can dislike life a little more I guess, but then maybe I'll make new friends in shelters and stuff. Maybe I can write a book about my adventures and make millions of dollars.
Maybe I'll get a miracle in my life.
Oh, but it could be that famous miracle of being alive, having another day. That is a great thing to have, but what's the point when your life doesn't matter?

I'm only alive now because I'm too afraid of trying to kill myself and become a vegetable or go through some worse pain.

It's cool though, time flies by and even though I am grateful to have what I have right now, I feel that it is flying by too fast and I'm going to hit a wall.
I am thankful to have a place to live, food, music and tv, medical insurance, some comforts.
Many times I feel like everything will be ok, that my prayers are being answered and I'm lucky to be where I am.
But part of me feels like I'm stupid just thinking things will work out, having no plans for tomorrow, not knowing what to do.

And the thing that hurts me the most is I stared this blog to get support and feedback, and to give support and feedback.
And noone is replying or responding, so what's the point?
I don't want to write just for myself, why do that?
I'm alone all the time anyway, why write things here when they run through my mind anyway?
I do have lots to contribute, I have support to give and a dialogue back and forth can be helpful to all involved. But it's all one way now, I'm typing into cyberspace and it's going nowhere.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll get some responses, and have better news tomorrow for you guys.

Further Adventures of the Lost and Confused

Well, today was a strange day. Lots of mixed emotions.
I woke up and felt like not eating. I got a message that my old doctor had a letter for me that unemployment told me I needed.
I got together a bunch of cds from my collection to take to a used cd store, I didn't get enough money for them but it was enough to pay part of my car insurance bill with a little left over. I had some nice collectible cds but they didn't give me much for them, but also just some regular cds that I didn't really care about.
So I then stopped at my old doctors office and picked up the letter.
I got home and faxed it to the unemployment office, I put a note on it asking if it was ok and to let me know.
Anyone else have the same experience with calling unemployment and leaving messages and never receiving any calls back? It's frustrating, plus the calls are long distance for me.
I called and left a message, asked if the letter was ok and if there was anything else they needed, if I could be eligible for benefits or not.
I know I won't get them but I'm trying.
Then I called my MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER. I asked if I had a therapist assigned to me yet, and was told no that it usually takes two weeks or more. They transferred me to the person that handles assigning cases to doctors and I left a message, got no call back of course.

Emotionally it's been very hard. Very up and down.
I'll feel down one minute, got mad when waiting for the store to look at my cds and more mad when offered so little for them. Then next minute I'll feel good for no reason and it is very strange.

I was listening to a cd last night because I knew I had to sell it, and I heard a song that reminded me of a friend that passed away. I remember playing the song for him because he had never heard it before and he appreciated it, it was a song about the Irish and how the English have treated them over history.
So I was crying about that, I wish he was still around. There are songs I'll hear or things I'll think of and I can't share them with him anymore, and I can't interact with him anymore.

I have lots of things planned for next week which is good, to stay busy.
But I also have so much to worry about, how will I pay the rent, how will I pay the bills.
I have medical doctor to see, a special blood test that takes a long time to do, have to go to a community help center to see what I can do about things, also need to call other places about rent help.
My dad asked me to come over for Thanksgiving an I want to go but I'm very anxious about it. I haven't seen his family for such a long time and I'm scared to go, worried about what to say. My life is so messed up and I have nothing good to share with them.

I have tried chatting online for support, and that has helped. It's nice to interact with people, also reminds me of when I used to be "productive" and helped others before the stress got to be too much.
It's weird to feel like I don't fit in anywhere, but then to know that so many people are in similar situations and have issues in common with me.
I've never met anyone with the social anxiety problems I'm having, but there are a lot of people that have them.
It's like I've observed so much about life, and read so much but my experiences are so limited and isolated.

Anyway, that's the latest.

Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out)

Here's another song that expresses how I'm feeling


Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out)

John Lennon (Walls and Bridges album)

Nobody loves you when you're down and out
Nobody sees you when you're on cloud nine
Everybody's hustlin' for a buck and a dime
I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine

I've been across to the other side
I've shown you everything, I got nothing to hide
And still you ask me do I love you, what it is, what it is
All I can tell you is it's all show biz
All I can tell you is it's all show biz

Nobody loves you when you're down and out
Nobody knows you when you're on cloud nine
Everybody's hustlin' for a buck and a dime
I'll scratch your back and you knife mine

I've been across the water now so many times
I've seen the one eyed witchdoctor leading the blind
And still you ask me do I love you, what you say, what you say
Everytime I put my finger on it, it slips away
Everytime I put my finger on it, it slips away

Well I get up in the morning and I'm looking in the mirror to see, ooo wee!
Then I'm lying in the darkness and I know I can't get to sleep, ooo wee!

Nobody loves you when you're old and grey
Nobody needs you when you're upside down
Everybody's hollerin' 'bout their own birthday
Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground

Any Time At All

I'm listening to this song now, and I wish I had someone to sing it to me.

It's from A Hard Day's Night album.

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

If you need somebody to love
Just look into my eyes
I'll be there to make you feel right
If you're feeling sorry and sad
I'd really sympathize
Don't you be sad, just call me tonight

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

If the sun has faded away
I'll try to make it shine
There is nothing I won't do
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I hope it will be mine
Call me tonight and I'll come to you

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

Guess Noone is There

Well, I guess noone is reading my blog or don't care to comment.
I've received two comments, both just mentioned other sites and had no comments relating to the substance of my posts or answers to my requests for specific comments.

Here's the latest if there's any interest, or else I'm just expressing myself to get it out.
I've had a hard time getting anything done this week.
I did go shopping for food a couple days. I really don't know how to manage my life or anything really. I go shopping and try to buy stuff on sale, I can't cook and end up getting cans of stuff.
I'm on a tight budget too with only having food stamps to buy food, and I know if I could cook I'd save money and have better food for myself.
I'm getting to a breaking point, and I don't know if I can cope with it.
I have bills due over the next week that I can't pay, my rent is due on the 1st of next month and I have nothing to put towards it.
I've tried to call about unemployment, and I can't get any benefits because I can't work.
I was supposed to get a call about a therapy appointment this week, and no word yet.
It's really stupid that if you get "poor peoples" insurance then you have to wait weeks to get an appointment for mental therapy or meds.
The only exception is if it is an emergency or you're wanting to kill yourself.
So I'm sitting here needing to talk to someone, and I can't get what I need.

I don't know what else to say, I'm very depresssed and feel trapped like I can't do anything about it.
I want to be happy but I feel like I can't do anything about it.
My dad sent me e-mail with some suggestions, all about types of jobs to think about.
I don't think I can get a job, even though I want to do something.
I don't want to end up homeless either.

Anyone have some practical advice?

Losing My Mind

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with a new life.
If only that were possible.

Or maybe go to sleep and not wake up.

It's funny because deep inside I want a life where I can make a difference in the world, where I can touch peoples lives and find balance/happiness/love. But I'm stuck and can't seem to move forward.

I've been stuck for a long time, actually most of my life.

Not much else to say today.

My Grandfather (Veterans Day)

I think of my grandfather often, I thought I'd write a little about him since it's Veteran's Day.

He was a doctor in the army, he was at the battle at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. (I can't remember the name of the battle right now.)
He had a purple heart, and touched many peoples lives.
He helped liberate concentration camps and helped to bring people from the camps to America.
He taught me about World War II, showed me pictures from the camps and told me stories about what happened during the war.
I learned alot from him, and many of my interests I share with him.
He traveled around the world and shared stories about other cultures. I remember when he showed me photos from a hospital in China. It showed acupuncture and he explained how Western medicine doesn't believe in it but that it's been used throughout history. (This was years ago so of course it's changed somewhat now.)
I wish I could touch peoples lives like he did.

When he was older and I went through one of my many periods of depression and isolation, I lost touch with him.
Then I found it he was sick, and noone told me until he was dying and I could not go see him.
I feel bad that I wasn't able to stay in touch with him.
I remember the last time I saw him he asked if I was happy, and told me that you have to be happy with what you do with your life.

I think about him often and I wish I could talk to him now. I know that my life would be better if I had his guidance now.

Sick of Everything

Well, today started out as a good day but now I feel hopeless.

This morning I went to the community center to get emergency rent assistance, that went well and I was relieved when I left there.

Then I got home and had letters from unemployment saying I was denied for such and such reasons. I'm angry because I tried to get all the info they told me to, and I left voicemails whenever I had trouble getting something or if it was going to be late.
I had a letter from my therapist that they asked me to get, and I got that late and sent it to them. I explained why it was late and that I had an appointment to get a new therapist.
Then when I went to the new therapist it was just an interview and they didn't evaluate me, so I couldn't get the form filled out for UI.
So I called unemployment and left a message about how I'm having trouble with the form and need to talk about it.
I didn't get a call back and then I received the letters today.

I think I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I can't get unemployment because I can't work, I can't get disability because I haven't been out of work long enough and don't have enough medical information either.

So now I have no way to survive. I can't get a job, if I did I wouldn't make enough money to be able to pay my bills in time. I can't get unemployment, I can't get disability.

So looks like I'll be unable to pay for december rent or most of my other bills, and then I'll have nowhere to live.

I don't see any options or choices that I have, and I'm very anxious about everything.
I was so upset when I got those letters and when I called to figure out what to do. And now I don't feel any better, I'm trying to calm down and it's not working. I just feel angry, hopeless, and depressed.

I figure I'd be used to having those feelings and having no life, but it still shocks me sometimes. Guess it's a short glimpse from behind denial.

Times like this I wish I really was The Crow.

The Beatles and Music as a Coping Skill

I'm listening to some classic Beatle tunes right now.
For you Beatle experts, I'm listening to ANALOG STEREO mixes of Beatles For Sale and Rubber Soul.
I found these on the internet awhile ago, if you haven't heard them you HAVE to get the first four albums in stereo. I think the third and fourth have the best mixes but the first two sound great, all are awesome compared to the mono CD's.

If you'd like some history on the first four CD's, here it is.
EMI prepared test CD's of some of the early albums with stereo mixes. From what I understand these were not mastered correctly, there was some kind of problem with them.
They played these for George Martin and he said there's something wring with them, just issue the original mono mixes. This was also due to time constraints, the CD's had to be prepared and pressed by a short deadline. This explains why initial pressings from Europe had stereo and ADD on them. I used to have the first four from England, and they had these markings on them.
At the time those CD's came out, I was disappointed by them. I had Japanese red vinyl pressings of some of the mono albums and I can tell you they sounded better than the CD's.
Although there were some artifacts on the vinyl, overall the sound quality was much better.
Now about George Martin, his statements at the time were that the mono mixes were released first and the stereo mixes released at a later time. This is faulty memory, the stereo mixes were pressed and released the same time as the mono ones.
So I think he recommended the mono mixes for the CD's because he was hazy on what the stereo mixes sounded like, I don't know why he didn't listen to them at the time the CD's were being planned.

Anyway, listening to the stereo mixes now is just amazing. I don't have my vinyl collection anymore, so it's great to have all the original albums sounding the way they were meant to when originally released.

Music for me, and more specifically the Beatles are a big coping skill and helped me with my life.
I had many hard times when I was depressed and lonely, and all I had to cope was their music.
I listen to other music too, but The Beatles music seems to help me the best.
It's funny because I'm in my late 30's, so I wasn't around when the group was together although I do remember hearing them a lot when I was very little.
I've met people of all different ages that connect with their music, it's kind of interesting how it can touch people that never saw them in concert or experienced first generation Beatlemania.

"I tell them there's no problems, only solutions." John Lennon 1980

State Therapy and other B.S.

Well, ihave some good news about my rent.
I went to get rent assistance and I was able to get help.
I had to go through B.S. with that, more so from my apartment complex than from the assistance people.
I went to the community center to apply for rent assistance. That went well, the caseworker I had sweemed more supportive and thorough.
She asked me questions about my situation, but she aslso asked how will I pay my rent for December and can I find a place to stay with family or friends. She seemed more concerned with helping me and not just with "doing her job".
She told me they can provide part of the money for rent, but that my apartment complex must provide a letter stating they will accept partial payment. So I go back there Thursday to get part of the rent.
Now when I went to my apartment office they weren't so helpful.
I spoke to this one lady and explained to her I'm getting rent assistance and need a letter to get it. She said it's against their policy to provide a letter like that, that I had to pay the entire amount of my rent.
I don't know what the problem was, she seemed very uncaring. Her attitude did improve when she looked up my file and saw how long I've lived here and how my rent was never late before.
So she called the community center and asked exactly what type of letter they needed.
So she explained to me that if they accept partial payment then they can't evict me according to the rental law, and that I had to show proof that I can pay the remainder of my rent before she would give me a letter.
So it was lots of negativity and B.S., but the result was good. My dad agreed to lend me the difference since it's not much money, and then they will give me the letter so I can get the assistance payment.
So I'm thankful for that, and I'm thankful for the assistance.

I found out the assistance from that center is a one-time only thing, they gave me a short list of other places that provide assistance but she explained those places only provide around $150 and they run out of funds quickly.
I'm thankful for the assistance from the community center, but it seems like the other people I've talked to there haven't explained to me as much as this last person.
I met with two caseworkers before her, none of them gave me a list of other agencies that help with rent and none of them told me there even were other places I could go to.
But at the same time, I couldn't do a job like that. Imagine having someone come in, even a family that are going to be evicted and you've run out of money to help them and can't do anything but send them somewhere else. It would be rewarding though with all the people you can help.

Now to the mental therapy part of my day :)
I went to a behavior health agency so I can get a new therapist and meds for anxiety and depression. I have a disability form I need to get completed before I can get unemployment benefits and it's late, I was planning to get it filled out during my evaluation today.
So I go to this place and I was told before hand to come in early to fill out paperwork, that the interview and evaluation takes two hours. So I get there early and fill out the forms, not too hard.
I do the interview and it's about what issues am I having problems with, my history, family history, what services do I need.
So the interview ends and the interviewer tells me they will schedule a evaluation, that it will probably not be until December or January. She says that I must go to my old doctor if I need meds before then, or go to their emergency clinic and wait until someone will see me.
I tell her I need that form filled out ASAP to get unemployment benefits and she says that I can go to a walkin appointment, this is where you go to their office and sit and wait to see if anyone cancels their appointment or doesn't show up. For therapy they're supposed to call me and schedule an appointment.
So I talk to the scheduling people and they tell me to come in on the 30th of this month and wait around to see if there's an opening.

I get home and call my unemployment case-whatever you call it. I left her a message that I need to talk to her about that form because I'm having a problem with it and asked her to call back.
So I didn't hear back from her before their closing time. I hope she will call me tomorrow.
I need those benefits so I can pay back my dad for the rent, and to pay other bills.
It's the kind of thing where you hope for the best but plan for the worst, except I don't have a plan if I can't get those benefits.

I just try my best to be thankful, and to appreciate that things are working out lately.
Tomorrow i have lunch with my dad and I haven't seen him for 3 years or so, I wish I was just going to lunch and not borrowing money from him but nothing I can do about that. I'll do my best to pay him back as soon as I can.
I don't know about things, I know that when I used to have friends and could help a friend out I was happy about it. I wasn't always happy if it was about money and I didn't get paid back :)

Anyone have comments about this stuff? I'm I boring everyone with this?

I do have other things to talk about, it's just that these are my day to day events. It's just off the top of my head.

Feeling Sick & Worried

Well, here's an update from Friday night to Sunday night.

I went to the doctor to check on my blood test, they told me to get a glucose test to see how my body is handling sugar. They said since my blood sugar and cholesterol levels were so high it is a possibility I have diabetes. Also during my visit my blood pressure was high.
I've been feeling sick since Friday morning and I think it is my blood pressure.
I think part of it is the high stress and not taking better care of myself.
My stress is high because of being out of work and not knowing what is going to happen, Monday I have to call a community assistance center to make an appointment to see if I can get emergency rent assistance.
If I don't get assistance to pay my rent by Tuesday then Wednesday I'll be evicted.
I e-mailed my father too see if he can help me out if I don't get the assistance, but I don't know if he can or will help me. He's had his own financial problems but I wouldn't ask him unless it was an emergency.
Anyway, back to the doctor. I saw a doctor that I never met before due to my appointment being made on short notice. It seems their office still doesn't know what they're doing.
The good news is I was able to get a new prescription for blood pressure medicine, and samples for acid reflux meds. It seems the insurance company asked the doctors office what medications I was on before for both of those problems. I don't understand the problem because for my acid reflux I told the doctor last Friday what meds I had tried and how they worked. For the blood pressure meds, all they had to do was look at my chart and see that I've only been on one med since being diagnosed and it was by that office.
Seems like they're either having a chaotic week or don't know what they are doing there.

One good thing today, I went to the Laundromat and did my clothes and found $5 in an empty dryer. That was cool because I need money for gas this week.

I tried to buy some low fat and low salt food today, but I still feel sick.
I don't eat meat, but I have a bad diet.
I don't cook, so I buy microwave food or canned food. I've been eating higher fat and higher sodium lately and I hope that is why my levels are high.
I want to be able to adjust my diet and exercise, and not find out I have diabetes.

I have a lot of things to get done, but I don't feel like doing anything.
Today I did my clothes and bought some groceries.
I wanted to sort through stuff. I have piles of papers and things all over, sort of an OCD thing.
I'll get a letter, or even just put something in a pile and then I can't move it.
I can go through it, and sometimes throw things out and put things away but it's like a survival instinct to leave things where they are.
I want to pack up important things so if I get evicted I will have some necessary things ready.
I really hope and pray I can get help and be able to stay in my place.
I want to get things worked out, but I also feel like just sleeping and forgetting about everything.

I really want this to be a great week and get things worked out. I want to get my rent paid, get back on meds for my anxiety/depression, get a new therapist, go see my dad and try to reconnect with him, find out what to do to feel healthier.
I'm worried that on Tuesday I won't get help with my rent and then I'll not know what to do.
I'm worried actually about having a heart attack or stroke with my blood pressure and the stress.

Whatever is meant to be, I just wish I knew what was going to happen Tuesday.

Medical Insurance & Doctor Insanity

Today I have a fun adventure in medical care, specifically with medications.

I used to have insurance from my old job through COBRA, this is a cool program where you pay for your group insurance through your old job and keep all your benefits.
Well, I couldn't afford to continue that so now I have state insurance through welfare or whatever you want to call it.
The great thing is most medications have no copay, and doctor visits copay is a dollar. At least for the plan I'm on.
So Friday I go to the doctor to get medication renewals, and I also asked him for a prescription for Prilosec because supposedly it is covered by my new insurance. (This is according to online info from the insurance company). I used to buy it over the counter but can't afford it now, a long time ago I took other types of meds for acid reflux but after awhile they stopped working and Prilosec was the only one that worked.
So I tell the doctor that only this med seems to work, so he says to try and get it filled and that he will get special authorization if it is needed.
So I go to the pharmacy to get meds, and they say they have to call my doctor about Prilosec.
Monday I call the pharmacy, they say my doctor hasn't called back. I call the doctors office, they say he is out Monday and noone can handle this for him.
Tuesday I call the doctor and they say he is very busy and they will get it taken care of, they tried to give me a prescription for a different med but I explained about my past experience.
Wednesday I call the doctor and they say he is out on an emergency but the computer shows he has my info with him about the med and he will handle it when he comes in.
Thursday I call the doctor and they connect me to his assistant, she says that she has to check my chart and will see if she can get authorization for the med because usually insurance companies don't want to pay for expensive meds. She also says that for another med she e-mailed my pharmacy on Wednesday. She says she will call me back.

This other med is for blood pressure and is of course very important.
I asked the pharmacy to refill it, and when I went to pick it up they had it under my old insurance. So they said they needed preauthorization from my doctor. (I forgot what day this was.)

Today I get a voicemail from my doctors assistant that she is still waiting for an answer from the insurance company, she doesn't mention the blood pressure meds.(She also tells me my blood test just came back and my cholesterol is so high that I need to call and come in ASAP.)
I call the pharmacy and they say they have had no answer from my doctor, that they don't get e-mails from doctors. I call the doctor and they say they already sent info about above med, I tell them I just called the pharmacy and they have had no reply. She says she will call pharmacy right away.

(I don't blame anyone for all the chaos above, I tried to just report the facts. Although it is frustrating and makes me angry. Without the Prilosec I've felt sick all week and have had trouble sleeping. I have a small amount of antacids but they don't do anything really.)

So I called and have an appointment later today to get treatment for my cholesterol, I'm going to ask for samples of meds for my blood pressure and acid reflux because I don't know if/when I will get my meds approved. I'm worried about my cholesterol because it has never been high before and it's really high. I imagine I'll get more meds for that :)

On another note, I went to a community help center today about my electric bill and was able to get it paid.
I also called my phone company and car insurance companies explaining about my situation and made payment plans for them.
(I went to a book store and sold my Stephen King and Harry Potter hardcovers and some DVD's)
I had to buy a new phone because during one of my frustrating phone calls above I got mad and hit my phone and the ringer broke :) It's cool though that they have such cheap phones in the stores now, and they even have features. I was using a really old phone that someone gave to me.

That's the medical adventure for this week.
Hope it wasn't too rambling for you.

Money

Money is a complex topic I guess.
I don't value money much, I also don't know how to make it or manage it.
My parents were went from poor to wealthy when I was young, so I lived in a nice house and had lots of toys and stuff.
The thing is what I really needed was love and friends.
Then my parents divorced and I lived with my mother, she had to work hard to make ends meet and we never starved but the material things I cared about then were mainly records because I loved music and it was one of my only coping skills.
Then as I grew up money came and went, I've never been wealthy.
I left one job that I made good money at because I was stressed out and not happy.
I got a job in healthcare helping others and made much less money.
I have dvds and videogames, cds but I don't enjoy them because I have no friends to share them with.
I am still material about some things, like movies and music.
But I really don't care about money. The only problem is now that I can't work I don't have any money. I wish I could live a productive life, find a way to help others and not have to worry about money but I guess it's part of life.

The reason I'm thinking of all this stuff is I'm getting my car from the shop tpday, but I have to use money I need for car insurance to fix the car.
So I got together my dvds and games, and I have to try to sell them.
I know I won't get much because stores sell used stuff cheap so they have to buy things cheap.
I just hope I can get enough to pay for the car and car insurance.

One good thing is that getting in touch with my dad asking for a ride, I e-mailed him saying I don't need a ride but I still want to get together.
I know it's going to be hard because we're not close and haven't seen each other in a long time. But I don't want to continue avoiding him.
I also don't know if I'll have a place to live after next week so I kind of don't care in a way.

I hope that things will work out, I have faith they will but it's not the strongest.

Anyway, type at you later.

Crazy Day Today

Peace Collage

Peace is something I want to achieve in my life, this picture is a quick collage I did awhile ago that represents peace and some of the people I admire.

Today is a stressful day. It started out that I couldn't get my car to start.
Then I called for a tow and I've been waiting almost two hours for it to come.
I don't have any money to get the car fixed, so I'm hoping that it is covered from my last repair because it is the same problem I had repaired.
Anyone have advice on what is covered when a car breaks down after recent repairs, is it still covered?
The only good thing is that I e-mailed my father to see if he can give me ride because I have an appointment Friday for emergency utility help.
I haven't seen him for 3 years or so, we only exchange e-mails once or twice a year.
Maybe this will help open up a dialogue or something between us.

A little bit about what my life is like today.
I left my job in April due to stress, and I haven't been able work due to anxiety and depression.
I maxed out my credit cards and now can't make payments on them.
I was able to get food stamps, but I have no money for rent or utilities.
I went to a community action center and they are helping with utilities but I don't know if they will be able to do anything about rent.
I live by myself in an apartment, and I'm low priority for rent assistance because I have no family or others living with me.
I'm not mad about it, I understand other people need help more than I do.
But I am scared because my rent was due yesterday and I see no way I can pay it, unless I do get assistance.

So I am stressed, but I'm trying to stay calm and do my best.
I have faith that things will work out, even if I don't see the mechanisim for how that will happen.
I try to be grateful for what I have. I have a place to live, food, air conditioning, medical insurance from welfare, my health.
I have relatives too, but my dad I'm not close to and my mother lives far away on the east coast.
I have friends but I'm not in touch with them.
I feel very bad to ask anyone for help, I feel like it's my fault I'm in this situation and I don't deserve help.
I guess it's part of the "caretaking" role I play. I do anything to help others, but it is hard for me to do things to help myself.

Well, that's my rambling for today.
I hope that I get some readers for my blog and comments soon.

Some Recent Ideas

I thought I'd explain some of the reasons I chose different things for my blog, like my name and blog name etc...

First my name, I identify alot with The Crow but probably not for the reasons most people do.
I do believe that real love is forever. Love is infinite and I have many people that I love, although none of them are in my life now. I feel like I will always care about those people I had a bond with, and the distance or time makes no difference to me.
I also identify with the loss of The Crow. For me it's different though because I can't be close to people I love. That's more of a codependent/anxiety/obsessive thing.

Worthless Heart is a cool song by Jellyfish that is one of my favorites. I picked that as my blog address, worthlessheart.blogspot.com

I haven't written/typed to people lately so my writing skills are rusty.

Anyone have suggestions of things they want me to post about?

Hi Everyone!

Welcome to my first posting on my blog.

This is an experiment I'm undertaking to share my thoughts and feelings, get feedback from others.
I'd like to have a dialog with others, as well as just sharing everyday stuff.