More Good News & More Bad News

(This is one of my favorite funny Beatle photos)

Hi Everyone,

Here's a new update for interested readers.

Bad news first: I got a voicemail last week, it said my mother was in the hospital.
It took me awhile to get more info, I called and left a message where she lived because it was too late to get anyone on the phone there.
I finally found out where she was and called the hospital.
They said she was having problems walking, that maybe she hurt her back.
That she was getting breathing treatments because she had trouble breathing.
Part of it was she couldn't smoke, part of it was probably because she does smoke :)
They didn't seem to find out what caused the problem with her legs. Then she had some other stuff wrong.
Part of the good news was one thing they thought was wrong was caused by a shot they gave her, and it was solved the next day.
Now, I called her Friday and she said her heart test showed a tear in a valve. She is getting a more detailed test next week, the doctor said it is too early to tell how serious it is or if it needs anything done to it.
He told her, it could be just something minor that needs to be monitored and could cause no problems at all or it could require heart surgery.
So I was very worried about that. My first thought when I heard she was in the hospital was that she would end up having cancer from smoking, or liver disease from drinking. But I didn't think of any heart problems.
I am hoping that it won't be anything serious, or that if she needs surgery that it will be successful and she will recover without any complications.
I don't know much about heart surgery, I know I've heart that many bypass patients have good surgery but get sick and die from complications after the surgery.

I hope and pray that she will be ok, I live far from her and can't do anything but call her and pray.

Now some good news, my new job is going to switch me to fulltime hours next week.
I still have to find out if it will be temporary or longterm, but I'm happy either way.
I went from poor and going to be homeless, to having a place to live and a low-stress job in a short time.
Each day I wake up and am alive and have a place to live means a lot to me now.
It kind of gives me a better perspective on life in a way. I know so many people have it worse, so much suffering in the world and I'm lucky.

I have to get some new clothes because changing to fulltime I have to go by a different dress code, so I'll be looking for cheap nice clothes tomorrow.
I'm thankful I have some money to look for clothes.

I'm still adjusting to things, sometimes I feel like "where am I, what's going on?" but it is better than before when I was at my apartment thinking "when will I get kicked out, where will I live?"
I'm trying to take it one step at a time, not worry about where I'm supposed to be going in life. I'm thinking, what do I need, get things stable, be able to support yourself, get a phone, get car insurance, get more hours at work etc...

I try to stay positive and be grateful, but still I'm a little lost.

If anyone wants more details about things, or advice on how I've coped with anything just leave a reply and I'll answer you.

I have a lot of things I've learned and advice, but I don't go around telling people what to do or pushing my point of view. I try to just express myself without pushing.

Take Care :)

Good News and Bad News

Hello all readers.

Sorry for not posting for awhile, it's been very hectic and now things are settling down.
I'll share the good news first, I'm staying at a friends house and am renting a room.
I'm very grateful for this, it was a very close call with not having a place to stay.

At the start of December I had a very very dark time, and I did something stupid that I regret. The good thing though is it scared me and I really wanted to try all I could to make things better, I got motivation again.
For awhile I felt like I couldn't work, couldn't face people or pressures.
After I got motivated, I applied at a staffing agency.
I figured, I'll tell them what work I can do and I'll take anything I can get.
I asked for a full-time long-term match, but they called me a couple days after I joined and offered me a temp part-time project.
So I took that, I figured well I can see if I'm prepared to face the world again and that it would be an easier adjustment being part-time. Plus if I freak out and can't handle it I can tell them I don't want that job, and can be matched with something else.
So I started working and things went great, it was a low-stress job and I appreciated working again more than thinking about money.

Now, some of the bad news.
I was so happy about working again, then I realized I had to find a way to pay my rent. It was late after the 2nd day of December, and after 5 days they send an eviction notice.
So I called some agencies, e-mailed friends, applied for a payday loan.
I got turned down for the loan, because the job was too new plus I was only making part-time money.
My friends couldn't help, but one offered 200 dollars which was nice.
Then I got the eviction notice, and had to go to court. I called my apartment management to see if there was anything I could do, explained to them my situation.
Basically they said, if you go to court then it becomes a judgment and you have so many days to pay it. Then if you don't they get an order for eviction, and schedule a constable to deliver a notice to you and make you leave. Once you get the notice you have to leave, and they take possession of the apartment and all your belongings.
You're allowed to have your clothes, and certain papers and things.

Now this was a stupid thing, but I learned from it.
But I answered a classified loan listing online.
I can pass on to you, if anyone sends you a check and it is for more than something they're buying from you or more than your loan then it is a scam.
Also, phone calls and mail from Canada or certain countries are also scams, if they ask you to forward money to someone else it is s scam.
So what happened to me is I got a check, was supposed to forward the extra money to "second person getting a loan". I figured well if I deposit a check I will know if it clears before I'd mail a check to someone else, then they threw in the "wire the money" scam -to wire the money to the second person.
I was lucky because when I deposited the check it had a hold because of the amount, and the bank notified me the check was fake. So I didn't have any money clear to send to anyone.
But the bad thing is I didn't get the money to pay my apartment.
I had told management I was getting that check, and gave them a copy when I got it.
I was so happy to get a loan, I thought it was an answer to a prayer and I didn't question the logic of it at the time.

So, I had to leave my apartment and at the last minute I called a friend that I hadn't thought of before and got the room.
It was very scary going through everything. I had a list of homeless shelters, and had called some to see how they work.
I found a halfway house where you share a room with three people, pay money weekly for food and services.
I also found a YMCA that you could rent a room from, but I think it was short-term.
I was worried because I had my car packed with all I could fit in it, and I also wasn't comfortable with the areas the places were in.
But I accepted that I needed to do whatever I could to survive and carry on.

The first time I was supposed to leave my place I got my stuff ready, and I kept praying to be allowed to stay there. I thought maybe some friends I e-mailed would find some way to lend me the money.
But I learned around that time to appreciate having a place to live, and am much more grateful now.

For some reason I was allowed to stay twice at times I was supposed to leave.
I had to leave most of my furniture there and a lot of stuff, but I'm grateful for what I have and more so for having a friend to stay with.

I did such a good job at work, they are going to switch me to a fulltime position.

So it was a real close call there, I thought my life was over then I thought I'd be homeless and somehow I'm still here.

One of the things that hurt me is my dad lent me $200 for Novembers rent which I was grateful for, but when I realized I had to move out he would not let me stay with him. I even asked if I could stay shortterm until I made enough money at my new job to rent a room, and he still said no to me.
I respect it's his life and he can make whatever decisions he wants, but it hurt to realize that friends were more willing to help me than he was.

I'm trying to learn from what I went through, and get my life back on track.
Little by little I know it will get better.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad that some people were wondering about what happened to me :)

Blood Tests & Mood Swings

Fellow readers, here is the next chapter of my adventure.
I had to fast last night due to needing a special blood test today.
It was a lot of fun, I had to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and get ready, go to the blood lab. Then there was a line of people so I had to wait, the blood test is a 2 hour glucose test and I can't eat until it's over.
So I wait 40 minutes before it is my turn.
The lab tech guy explains how the test works, they take blood then you drink glucose then for the next two hours they take 2 more samples.
So he sticks my right arm and can't get it to work right, I didn't look to see what was going on because it makes it hurt more.
He searches on my left arm and sticks me, not too bad.
The second blood draw he had to dig around and it hurt. It still hurt for awhile.
Then the third one only hurt a little bit.
I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe because of my large mass of fat that comes along with being depressed and not exercising.
Since leaving my job I've put on weight, I was already too fat before that.
So I come home and eat some unhealthy food, it was good though.
I got more bills in the mail, you know the ones that you can't pay and the interest rates have skyrocketed. I'm thinking of trying to call them and explain how I can't work and see if there's anything they can do.
I know I can't pay anything towards them now, but I'd like to get the interest lowered or something.
Doesn't really matter, I know that my credit is ruined and I can't fix it.
Looks like I wasted the last 7 years building up credit, it's fun to mess up your life.

So, then I call unemployment and get another explanation of how I can't get any money because I can't work. Their suggestion was to apply for financial assistance.
I think financial assistance is something like $180 a month, so of course I jumped up and down thinking how far I can stretch that money especially since I can't get it.

So, then I get upset and panicky, I called my "Mental Health Provider" so I can leave more voicemails about how I need to talk to someone, and get no answers back.
It is funny, my life gets more ridiculous each day.
No friends, no money, can't get therapy or meds forever, can't get unemployment, can't get social security.

It's like this, well you can get $180 a month if you apply for social security and your doctor confirms you can't work. Oh, your lawyer said you should go to your new doctor for awhile to get further documentation because you would get turned down if you apply now, that's ok then we can't give you any money. That's ok, talk to your new doctor, oh you've been waiting over a month to get a new doctor, well it is a lesson in patience for you to wait more.
We can give you food stamps, health insurance (which does crap for me when waiting forever for a therapist). And when you get kicked out of your place, you can live on the streets and still have those great benefits.
Maybe you can trade your food stamps for drugs or something, get raped and beaten for them.

I imagine living on the streets would be a new adventure for me, something I haven't experienced before so maybe it is a life lesson.
I can dislike life a little more I guess, but then maybe I'll make new friends in shelters and stuff. Maybe I can write a book about my adventures and make millions of dollars.
Maybe I'll get a miracle in my life.
Oh, but it could be that famous miracle of being alive, having another day. That is a great thing to have, but what's the point when your life doesn't matter?

I'm only alive now because I'm too afraid of trying to kill myself and become a vegetable or go through some worse pain.

It's cool though, time flies by and even though I am grateful to have what I have right now, I feel that it is flying by too fast and I'm going to hit a wall.
I am thankful to have a place to live, food, music and tv, medical insurance, some comforts.
Many times I feel like everything will be ok, that my prayers are being answered and I'm lucky to be where I am.
But part of me feels like I'm stupid just thinking things will work out, having no plans for tomorrow, not knowing what to do.

And the thing that hurts me the most is I stared this blog to get support and feedback, and to give support and feedback.
And noone is replying or responding, so what's the point?
I don't want to write just for myself, why do that?
I'm alone all the time anyway, why write things here when they run through my mind anyway?
I do have lots to contribute, I have support to give and a dialogue back and forth can be helpful to all involved. But it's all one way now, I'm typing into cyberspace and it's going nowhere.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll get some responses, and have better news tomorrow for you guys.

Further Adventures of the Lost and Confused

Well, today was a strange day. Lots of mixed emotions.
I woke up and felt like not eating. I got a message that my old doctor had a letter for me that unemployment told me I needed.
I got together a bunch of cds from my collection to take to a used cd store, I didn't get enough money for them but it was enough to pay part of my car insurance bill with a little left over. I had some nice collectible cds but they didn't give me much for them, but also just some regular cds that I didn't really care about.
So I then stopped at my old doctors office and picked up the letter.
I got home and faxed it to the unemployment office, I put a note on it asking if it was ok and to let me know.
Anyone else have the same experience with calling unemployment and leaving messages and never receiving any calls back? It's frustrating, plus the calls are long distance for me.
I called and left a message, asked if the letter was ok and if there was anything else they needed, if I could be eligible for benefits or not.
I know I won't get them but I'm trying.
Then I called my MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER. I asked if I had a therapist assigned to me yet, and was told no that it usually takes two weeks or more. They transferred me to the person that handles assigning cases to doctors and I left a message, got no call back of course.

Emotionally it's been very hard. Very up and down.
I'll feel down one minute, got mad when waiting for the store to look at my cds and more mad when offered so little for them. Then next minute I'll feel good for no reason and it is very strange.

I was listening to a cd last night because I knew I had to sell it, and I heard a song that reminded me of a friend that passed away. I remember playing the song for him because he had never heard it before and he appreciated it, it was a song about the Irish and how the English have treated them over history.
So I was crying about that, I wish he was still around. There are songs I'll hear or things I'll think of and I can't share them with him anymore, and I can't interact with him anymore.

I have lots of things planned for next week which is good, to stay busy.
But I also have so much to worry about, how will I pay the rent, how will I pay the bills.
I have medical doctor to see, a special blood test that takes a long time to do, have to go to a community help center to see what I can do about things, also need to call other places about rent help.
My dad asked me to come over for Thanksgiving an I want to go but I'm very anxious about it. I haven't seen his family for such a long time and I'm scared to go, worried about what to say. My life is so messed up and I have nothing good to share with them.

I have tried chatting online for support, and that has helped. It's nice to interact with people, also reminds me of when I used to be "productive" and helped others before the stress got to be too much.
It's weird to feel like I don't fit in anywhere, but then to know that so many people are in similar situations and have issues in common with me.
I've never met anyone with the social anxiety problems I'm having, but there are a lot of people that have them.
It's like I've observed so much about life, and read so much but my experiences are so limited and isolated.

Anyway, that's the latest.

Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out)

Here's another song that expresses how I'm feeling


Nobody Loves You (When You're Down And Out)

John Lennon (Walls and Bridges album)

Nobody loves you when you're down and out
Nobody sees you when you're on cloud nine
Everybody's hustlin' for a buck and a dime
I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine

I've been across to the other side
I've shown you everything, I got nothing to hide
And still you ask me do I love you, what it is, what it is
All I can tell you is it's all show biz
All I can tell you is it's all show biz

Nobody loves you when you're down and out
Nobody knows you when you're on cloud nine
Everybody's hustlin' for a buck and a dime
I'll scratch your back and you knife mine

I've been across the water now so many times
I've seen the one eyed witchdoctor leading the blind
And still you ask me do I love you, what you say, what you say
Everytime I put my finger on it, it slips away
Everytime I put my finger on it, it slips away

Well I get up in the morning and I'm looking in the mirror to see, ooo wee!
Then I'm lying in the darkness and I know I can't get to sleep, ooo wee!

Nobody loves you when you're old and grey
Nobody needs you when you're upside down
Everybody's hollerin' 'bout their own birthday
Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground

Any Time At All

I'm listening to this song now, and I wish I had someone to sing it to me.

It's from A Hard Day's Night album.

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

If you need somebody to love
Just look into my eyes
I'll be there to make you feel right
If you're feeling sorry and sad
I'd really sympathize
Don't you be sad, just call me tonight

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

If the sun has faded away
I'll try to make it shine
There is nothing I won't do
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I hope it will be mine
Call me tonight and I'll come to you

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

Any time at all
Any time at all
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there
Any time at all
all you've gotta do is call
And I'll be there

Guess Noone is There

Well, I guess noone is reading my blog or don't care to comment.
I've received two comments, both just mentioned other sites and had no comments relating to the substance of my posts or answers to my requests for specific comments.

Here's the latest if there's any interest, or else I'm just expressing myself to get it out.
I've had a hard time getting anything done this week.
I did go shopping for food a couple days. I really don't know how to manage my life or anything really. I go shopping and try to buy stuff on sale, I can't cook and end up getting cans of stuff.
I'm on a tight budget too with only having food stamps to buy food, and I know if I could cook I'd save money and have better food for myself.
I'm getting to a breaking point, and I don't know if I can cope with it.
I have bills due over the next week that I can't pay, my rent is due on the 1st of next month and I have nothing to put towards it.
I've tried to call about unemployment, and I can't get any benefits because I can't work.
I was supposed to get a call about a therapy appointment this week, and no word yet.
It's really stupid that if you get "poor peoples" insurance then you have to wait weeks to get an appointment for mental therapy or meds.
The only exception is if it is an emergency or you're wanting to kill yourself.
So I'm sitting here needing to talk to someone, and I can't get what I need.

I don't know what else to say, I'm very depresssed and feel trapped like I can't do anything about it.
I want to be happy but I feel like I can't do anything about it.
My dad sent me e-mail with some suggestions, all about types of jobs to think about.
I don't think I can get a job, even though I want to do something.
I don't want to end up homeless either.

Anyone have some practical advice?

Losing My Mind

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with a new life.
If only that were possible.

Or maybe go to sleep and not wake up.

It's funny because deep inside I want a life where I can make a difference in the world, where I can touch peoples lives and find balance/happiness/love. But I'm stuck and can't seem to move forward.

I've been stuck for a long time, actually most of my life.

Not much else to say today.

My Grandfather (Veterans Day)

I think of my grandfather often, I thought I'd write a little about him since it's Veteran's Day.

He was a doctor in the army, he was at the battle at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. (I can't remember the name of the battle right now.)
He had a purple heart, and touched many peoples lives.
He helped liberate concentration camps and helped to bring people from the camps to America.
He taught me about World War II, showed me pictures from the camps and told me stories about what happened during the war.
I learned alot from him, and many of my interests I share with him.
He traveled around the world and shared stories about other cultures. I remember when he showed me photos from a hospital in China. It showed acupuncture and he explained how Western medicine doesn't believe in it but that it's been used throughout history. (This was years ago so of course it's changed somewhat now.)
I wish I could touch peoples lives like he did.

When he was older and I went through one of my many periods of depression and isolation, I lost touch with him.
Then I found it he was sick, and noone told me until he was dying and I could not go see him.
I feel bad that I wasn't able to stay in touch with him.
I remember the last time I saw him he asked if I was happy, and told me that you have to be happy with what you do with your life.

I think about him often and I wish I could talk to him now. I know that my life would be better if I had his guidance now.